so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just had sex on a roof
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
