Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Sext me about skeletons
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
