I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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