He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
