maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
