my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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