some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
