I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
