i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
