The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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