you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
