How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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