would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
