chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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