I CAN MOONWALK!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
