You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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