when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
