..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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