When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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