He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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