fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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