I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
