You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
