you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Is Oprah even human
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
