i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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