Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
