there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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