I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
