I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
