Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
