my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
