best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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