if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
