I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
