My entire life is one complicated drinking game
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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