So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
