So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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