I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
