I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
