mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
