hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
do nipples grow back?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
