I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
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