I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
