My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
