I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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