Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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