I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
