i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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