this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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