I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
