I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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