you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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