he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
